Like Pierrot the clown
by SuperSpecialAwesomePie
Summary: Soubi recalls the memories of his masters before. Ritsu/Soubi Soubi/Ritsuka. Oneshot. angst. and spoilers!


It had been a year since Soubi had gotten Seimei. …No, since Seimei had obtained Soubi. For Soubi, though, it felt like barely a week, and at the same time, like eternity. It felt like he belonged here. Like he belonged to Seimei. And he loved that. It made him happier than he had been in his life. That someone _wanted_ him. _Him! _

He would die for Seimei, live for Seimei, kill for Seimei, anything Seimei asked would be done for him. Because this was why Soubi was made, for people like Seimei, with no fighter. …but he liked to think, to hope, he was made for Seimei. Just for Seimei. He was a kinder master then Ritsu, though he would never think badly of Ritsu. He was angry in a way at him, but would never hate him.

Ritsu was the one who wanted him first. Out of everyone, he picked Soubi. But…only for his looks. For his mothers pretty face that was replicated flawlessly on himself. He was only picked because he was second best to what Ritsu couldn't have. But second best was all he could be to anyone, and it was better than third, or fourth.

But Seimei, he had really picked Soubi! Not for his looks, for he had never seen the boy before the day he was handed over. Seimei really wanted him! …but in that same day when he was told he was wanted, he was told he was unwanted. He got angry, but he wouldn't show it to anyone. He should be happy for his new master. And after that day, he was. Very much so.

"Soubi," Seimei called from his TV. He was playing some RPG game again. He liked it very much, and was playing it almost all the time. He'd told Soubi he got to leave one hundred "Come here."

Soubi got up from the floor and went to his master's side, awaiting an order.

"We need to put your name back again." Seimei said as he logged off his game and turned to Soubi with a soft smile on his face. "It keeps fading. I don't like that."

Soubi nodded and reached for a switch blade on Seimeis desk, only to hand it to him.

Seimei flicked the knife opened and pulled Soubi down to his knees by his shirt collar. He unbuttoned the top three buttons of Soubis shirt with his cold hands. Seimeis skin always felt cold, but Soubi liked it. The cold was nice. Then Seimei tilted Soubi head up with his slender fingers and held it in place once Soubi was looking almost straight up.

Seimei pressed the tip of the blade to the scar on Soubi's neck, tracing the word 'Beloved'. Soubi smiled slightly as he felt the B being recut into his skin. He loved that name. Beloved. It was really only Seime's name, but he chose to give it to him. So they may both be Beloved.

Suddenly, Soubi jerked his head back. The point on the V had the knife pressing too much into his neck, nearly putting a hole there. Out of instinct he jumped back, not out of pain.

Soubi felt his head snap forward as he was pulled right next to Seimei's face. Seimei smiled again, then threw a punch at his forehead. "Do you not like my name on you, Soubi?" he said, too sweetly.

"Yes." Soubi said.

"They why did you pull away?"

"I'm sorry." Soubi didn't want to answer the question. The first time Seimei asked something like that, Soubi had said why. Seimei had been putting a 'pretty pattern' on his chest when the knife half sunk in-between his ribs. Soubi jerked back, only to be asked why, and said exactly why. It had angered Seimei, so he pressed the knife all the way between his ribs. After, he ordered Soubi not to go to the hospital.

Seimei sighed. "You do it." He ordered, thrusting the knife into Soubi's hand, putting a slice on his palm. "I don't want your blood on my hands." He sounded annoyed. Like a little kid after being forced to play the same game over and over…

"Yes." Soubi said simply, and put the knife up to his own throat.

"And be sure to make it deep! " Seimei said as he went for the door.

"Yes."

Seimei pulled the door open and slid out, then peeked his head through the crack to say one last word. "I only want to have to do this once more, I'm tired of it!"

_Leave me dreaming on the bed_

"Yes."

_See you right back here tomorrow for the next round_

Part of Soubi was glad this was nearly the last time. He thought the scar was visible enough, though it didn't matter what he thought. Only Seimei. And if Seimei wanted it deeper, Soubi would make it deeper. But he'd miss Seimei's hands on his neck. Seimei didn't like to touch him at all if he could help it. And afterwards he would always wash his hands, as though he had been touching something disgusting and rotting.

Soubi wished he had a flawless memory so he could always remember the feel of Seimeis cold, soft hands on his skin…

_Keep this scene inside your head_

The punch Seimei had given him, and he well deserved it, had left him in a daze. Seimei was very strong and knew he didn't need to hold back with Soubi. He could feel the spot swelling slightly. He would bet he had a black eye. But so long as Seimei put that mark on him, it was welcome.

_As the bruises turn to yellow, the swelling goes down_

That night, as Soubi slept, he dreamed. He almost never dreamed. He never liked to dream.

This one started with Ritsu. From there, Soubi knew it wasn't going to be a good one. It was more of a flash back then a dream, though some things weren't quite actuate.

'I found someone for you, his name is Aoyagi Seimei. Beloved. The name doesn't fit you, but he said he wanted you.' Ritsu told Soubi. Soubi was only sixteen or fifteen, he couldn't remember quite. …and had lost his ears at least six years before, not quite willingly…

Soubi watched himself smile. Though he knew at that time he wanted to cry. To scream 'but I belong to you! You picked me first! I don't' want anyone else.' But it doesn't matter when he wanted, only Seimei….or at that time, Ritsu.

Ritsu turned and opened the door, light flooded through it and a small, thin, dark haired boy walked through. 'Hello,' he said, in a kind voice. 'I'm Aoyagi Seimei. You are to be mine.' After that, Ritsu walked out the door, closing it behind him. And Soubi knew that was the last time he'd see the man for a long, long time.

_And if you're ever around_, _in the city or the suburbs of this town_

'No, no!' Soubi heard the thoughts of his younger self, his own thoughts, but his discarded thoughts. They were wrong. He was wrong. Wrong to disobey his master. His Beloved master. 'I want you back, Ritsu!'

_Be sure to come around_

Part of him, a part of himself he wanted to kill, to cut out, to burn away, wanted Ritsu back still.

_I'll be wallowing in sorrow, wearing a frown_

He was a fool, nothing but an unwanted fool. A fool for not seeing how unwanted he was.

_Like Pierrot the Clown_

* * *

Soubi had resaved a call from Seimei not more than five minutes before, telling him to pick him up. And he was to do so as quickly as possible.

"Good you're finally here." Seimei said once he caught site of Soubi. "It's cold out here." The icy spray from the ocean was no help to that.

_Saw you crashing round the bay_

Soubi bowed his head in apology and gave Seimei his coat.

Seimei took the fur lined coat and put it on with a flourish. "I have decided I will give you to my brother tomorrow." Seimei announced.

Soubi was taken aback but let none of it show.

"I have found my fighter. His name is Nisei." Seimei said with smile, and then his smile turned cold. "He is far better then you. Much stronger and takes orders better. "

_Never seen you act so shallow or look so brown_

Soubi said nothing.

"So, I am going to fake my death. And you are to be Ritsuka's. Do you understand?"

"Yes." 'But I don't want it! I'm yours…' he wanted to add, but knew far better.

"Good." Seimei smiled again. "And you are to love him."

"Yes." Soubi wanted to die. This was worse then before. Before, someone had at least _wanted _him. Even though he was still being discarded. This time, it felt more like being thrown away. 'You said I'd be yours forever' Soubi thought. 'You said I was perfect for you, that no one else would do. '

_Remember all the things you'd say_

'That's why you gave me your name! Because I was yours. No one else's. Never anyone else's. Only yours, my Beloved master, Seimei.'

_How your promises rang hollow_

"Once you belong to Ritsuka, your name will not be the same as mine. Because you aren't my Beloved anymore!" Seimei chuckled sweetly. "Your name will be the same as Ritsuka's. Loveless. So fitting for someone like the both of you!"

"…Yes"

_As you threw me to the ground_

* * *

Soubi walked back to his house, alone, as always. Seimei had told him to leave him there and go back alone. He seemed angry at the time. But this time, Soubi was going home truly alone. …No, wait, not alone. He had…Ritsuka. …Ritsuka had him. He was…Loveless now. He hated that name. It was fitting, as Seimei said, but for the both of them? Surly the brother of someone like Seimei, his God, couldn't be truly Loveless. Seimei always spoke fondly of Ritsuka, when he did speak of him. And Seimei's mother, though Soubi barely knew her, was kind to him. So…how could such a boy be Loveless? "…I don't want to be Loveless. I liked Beloved."

_And if you're ever around,_ _in the backstreets or the alleys of this tow, be sure to come around._

…No, he didn't mean to say that. If this Loveless was the brother of his God, Seimei, surly he would be just as kind, just as wonderful, if not better! "…no one is better than my God, my Beloved master, Seimei."

_I'll be wallowing in pity and wearing a frown_

He was a fool. A fool, fool, fool. Thinking Seimei, a Beloved god like him, would want a piece of trash like _him_. That was foolishness. …if he was to belong to Seimei's brother now, surly, he didn't love his brother as much as he let on….he was a fool, thinking he might get something _better_ than his God, Beloved master, Seimei.

__

Like Pierrot the Clown

* * *

That night, Soubi couldn't sleep. He would fall in and out of a strange half sleep. Where his mind would wonder and dream, but he would be painfully awake and know it was only a dream, a mere dream…it was less dreams, more random memories running through his head.

…His mother. Every time he looked in a mirror, he could see his mothers face. _Exactly_ his mothers face. He was only three when she was killed….no, she wasn't killed, she just died. …his father just died, too. …and Ritsu just happened to come along on good timing to save the poor little boy left behind. The last thing his mother had said to him, was "Good night, my love." And kissed him on the forehead as she tucked him into bed...for the last time.

_When I dream I dream of your lips_

Next was…Ritsu. When Soubi was seven maybe? He couldn't quite remember. …it was the day he lost his ears. …this was the time he wished he had the worst memory in the world. He didn't know what was going on till it was too late. All of Ritsu's kisses seemed like playing, how his mother would do with him…until those kissed moved o his lips…to his chest…

_When I dream I dream of your kiss_

…And…Seimei. It seemed to be going in order. He lost his mother, Ritsu and now Seimei. He had a feeling soon Ritsuka would be added to this list. This memory was right after Ritsu closed the metal door behind him after handing Soubi over to his new master. First thing Seimei said was "where shall we put your new name?" then walked closer to him, put a clod hand on Soubi's neck and traced Beloved with his fingertips. "How about here? It will be like a pretty necklace."

_When I dream I dream of your fists_…_Your fists... Your fists_

Maybe he was a masochist, but he missed Seimei. How he would hit him, cut him, abuse him….but everything would leave a mark on his body. Be it a burse or a deep, everlasting scar, either way, it was proof he _was_ wanted. And proof he belonged to Seimei…at one point.

After that night, Soubi was given his final order from Seimei. 'Go meet Ritsuka after school today, from then on you are his.' And so he did. Ritsuka was much younger then he had expected. He thought Seimei and his brother were only one or two years apart but Ritsuka was only twelve. At first the boy was scared of him but he warmed up to him quickly. But he refused to give him any orders. He was nothing like Seimei. He wouldn't even let Soubi call him 'master'.

* * *

Six months passed of the same. Ritsuka refusing to give Soubi a single order, not letting himself be called 'master' and going through mood swings of hating Soubi, liking him, _loving_ him then back to hating him. But, not only would Ritsuka never discipline him, he would never praise time ether. Seimei never exactly praised him ether but he punished him. So he would know if, there was no punishment he did well and pleased his master. With Ritsuka, he had no way of knowing. He would be yelled at sometimes. But just 'Soubi, don't do that!' or 'stop that!' …if this continued like how it was, Ritsuka would never leave a mark on him. Soubi needed to have visible proof he belonged to Ritsuka to believe it. With Seimei, it was the name, with Ritsu…his lack of ears, but nothing with Ritsuka.

"Ritsuka," Soubi said the next day as he came up to Ritsukas room.

The boy was sitting at his desk, loading pictures into this computer from his camera. He started when he heard Soubi's voice behind him, not expecting it. He turned around and gave the man a questioning look.

"I want you to pierce my ears." Soubi said with a smile, holding out a piercing gun to Ritsuka.

Ritsuka jumped back. No was he putting a hole in _anyone's _ears! And for sure not this masochistic freak. "N-No way!"

"Please?" Soubi asked, pulling Ritsuka down out of his chair and onto the floor with him. He pressed his body close, close enough that Soubi could feel Ritsuka's heart beating in his chest. "Pretty please, Ritsuka?"

Ritsuka took the gun with shaky hands. "Why do you want this? It hurts!" Ritsuka put the piercing gun to one Soubi's ears anyway.

"It doesn't hurt…unless you do it slowly." He chuckled and Ritsuka flinched. "If you do it slow it'll rip. Then you'll have to do it again. Though I wouldn't mind."

"Masochist! You deserve the pain!" Ritsuka said angrily and punched the first hole in Soubi's right ear.

'Yes!' Soubi thought 'finally he's taking control. He's punishing me. …Because I did something wrong…'

Ritsuka moved a finger to touch the earring he'd just put in with shaky hands. "…does it hurt?" he almost whispered.

Soubi smiled. "Only a little." He said and reloaded the gun, giving it back to Ritsuka to do the other ear.

Ritsuka looked at it for a moment before bringing it back to Soubi's ears. Another fast CLICK! And the other earring was in. though it went in at an angel and the gun was caught on the back of the earring, preventing it from holding the piercing in place. Ritsuka pulled the gun back and looked at it; the back was still in place there. "…what do I do? It's stuck…" he asked timidly.

"Take it out of the gun and puck the back on."

Ritsuka fiddled with the back for a moment before he got it out then went to put it on the earring where it should be. There was a soft click and the back was on. Then Ritsuka gave a small whimper.

"Soubi…" he said, so softly it was heard to hear. "You're bleeding…" Ritsuka was looking at his finger tips, shaking more then he should be, as a drop or Soubi's blood ran down them.

Soubi grabbed Ritsuka's hand gently and wiped the blood off on his own shirt, then pressed Ritsuka close to him again. "You shouldn't ever hand blood on your hands…" he said softly. "…not filth like mine." He added so quietly Ritsuka didn't hear. 'But I wish you'd make me bleed more! I want scars from you, burns from you, anything so long as you put it on me.'

_Leave me bleeding on the bed_

That day Soubi had gained two impotent things. The first, and most likely only, mark Ritsuka would put on him. And that Ritsuka, his new master, was _nothing _like his brother other than his face.

'Tomorrow, I want you to cross out my old name.' Soubi wanted to say, but he knew that would scare Ritsuka out of his mind.

_See you right back here tomorrow for the next round_

As he walked home that night, he tried to remember every detail of a few minutes before. The feeling of Ritsuka's tiny hands on his ears. …Ritsuka's hands were warm, nothing like Seimei's. …His Beloved mast-…no. just his Beloved god now. …he couldn't forget Seimei, never. …the scene he had just been replaying in his head was already fading… but the memories of Seimei, carving his name into his neck was as clear as if it happened mere seconds ago.

_  
Keep this scene inside your head_

Somehow it hurt now to think of Seimei. He felt like he was betraying Ritsuka…which he was in a way. But he just couldn't seem to let Seimei go.

_As the bruises turn to yellow, the swelling goes down_

It was the same with Ritsu…but only for a week. But Ritsu went away, Seimei couldn't. Seimei would forever be his god, his Beloved….and his master. He was still fallowing Seimei's orders. 'You are to be Ritsuka's. You are to love him.' he was doing just that…so; Seimei was still his master, his god and his Beloved.

_And if you're ever around in the city or the suburbs of this town, be sure to come around_

"…Seimei…" he said aloud, his breath making a cloud of heat as he spoke into the cold night air. "…I want you back…I will love Ritsuka for you…but I want you back…"

_I'll be wallowing in sorrow and wearing a frown_

No! That was a horrible thing to say! Ritsuka was kind to him and his master. …it was Seimei's order, that he still fallows, that Ritsuka is his master. …but doesn't that conflict with its self? He was ordered by Seimei, the one no longer his master, that his master was going to be Ritsuka…

_  
Like Pierrot the Clown_

…That made no since. If it was Seimei's order then Seimei is his master. …but his master told him to be the slave of another…

_Like Pierrot the Clown_

It was too confusing and Soubi tried to stop thinking about it. No matter what, he was to fallow Seimei's orders and be Ritsuka's dog.

_Like Pierrot the Clown_

….but Ritsu ordered him to be Seimei's who then ordered him to be Ritsuka's….so…was he Ritsu's dog?

_Like Pierrot the Clown_

"…No." he said aloud again. "I'm every ones foolish dog."

_Like Pierrot the Clown_

_(_well, theres the end. reviews make me happy! and make Soubi happy tooooo XD )


End file.
